--Index--
A sexy draft about how difficult it is to stop. Stopppppppp...
Subsequent addition: I always get so h. when I think about that night, when I think about you and how lying in bed and eating
nasty choco pudding with you and watching Hannah Montana together made me feel so s. Thank you for being my f.
D.'s birthday gift idea: an amulet with a nude picture
(How) can we protect what we are and yet open up our worlds?
An Evocation (beschwörung) of Exuberance (ausgelassenheit). A positive overdose of woods, woody notes and synthetic wood constructions (Wood gone mad).
A beach. That's all.
Happy Birthday. That's all.
Need to make space to write and reflect without disturbance.
Where would I like to get c. from?
---------(m.y.f.)
---------(s.k.s.)
---------(f.a.y.)
---------(f.r.s.)
---------(w.o.k.)
---------(a.u.e.)
---------(a.c.s.)
Wavering between X and Y/Z. maybe I shy away from Y/Z because I wouldn't know how to
accept a.
X. ->talk or let go
Y. ->hug
You are what goes through your mind
Message from The Manager. Angry, hurt
Motive understandable, accusations partly inappropriate
How to handle?
->withdraw and no longer interfere
->talk to The Manager
->talk to The Team
Justification?
Clarification?
What is the best way to find peace?
What gives me the most?
->no time, no energy
L.-stress over!
Sleep and eat healthily, no phone, put phone away, put phone away
Tomorrow morning
- pack things
- everything-shower
- eat
- archive
- read
Wawwi is now guarded by securities.
Just read through old chats with xxxxxxxx. Felt so much back then, left so much unsaid.
A. of making myself v. again, and yet it feels like it has to happen.
(Archival note: I bought this notebook already in 2021 and took it with me on four moves without ever using it.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrapped it in white baking paper because I thought it was ugly, then I started writing into it, but eventually, I only used
a few pages. Between the last pages, I put a small branch of forget-me-nots to be pressed. I found them
when I was walking down the Longmorning. They were growing out of the neighbour's fence. When I was a child, I used
to pick forget-me-nots from the exact same spot to give them to Mama. She always seemed so happy about it.)
4th district still smells like you (LG gone mad)
[...] Interruptions are disasters. To hold onto the "silver cord", that is the
Addendum: I hope your dad can use my sock.
151 kwh
S. from p.
S. from f.
S(v) is found
in every stroke,
every line,
every letter.
(In every breath)
Enter the c.c. house and you'll be -
Thinking about
SPECIMEN
(the pointed shoe) repeated-ly thinking about S(v). Giving S. new meaning, giving S. a (v) repeated-ly trying to.
Restless sleep. Woke up by a noise m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m two minutes - neighbour downstairs, upstairs? Neighbour fucking? Pigeon on the windowsill? Pigeon on the windowsill fucking? (No auditive traces of orgasm)
Knees
1. Walking backwards on treadmill, 5 min. 3% incline
2. Tip/Heel Thing, 2 sets 10 reps both sides (hip stretch left side)
3. ATG Split Squat, 2 sets 10 reps both sides on high box
4. Single Leg Squats, 2 sets 10 reps both sides (go deeper)
5. Toe Raises Back/Front, 2 sets 10/20 reps
Combine with Alexandertechnique; slow, feel feet, feel head come back, try to feel all muscles and movements
Legs (Ass)
1. Hip Thrust x KAS Glute Bridge, superset, 3 sets 8 reps (low! focus on knees and leg stance! switched from barbell to machine to demand less knee stability)Push/Pull Split
1. Butterfly Machine, 3 sets 8 repsUpper Body Combination
1. Lat Machine x Rowing Machine, super set, 3 sets 8 repsImportant:
- Mobilize after treadmill and before workoutSide note
Finished reading Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Bodybuilding For Men". In the last page, he made this weird switch from giving instrucions to talking about the fear of dying.Sophie Calle at the Summer Academy (as a young woman). I missed an opportunity.
(Side note: I remembered when Sophie from xxx talked about her time in the Summer Academy two years ago.)
Barefoot shoes (five finger, kangaroo, aqua zip) and five finger socks
V. rented a hotel room for a birthday party. It ended in a big chaos, now he needs to pay 47000€ recovery of damages.
Looked through so many mirrors yesterday. Posture, attitude (Haltung), reflection
D. and I found similarities in our stories. Someone asked us if we xxxxxx. Just as before.
Told her that I feel weird about having my ego pushed by the thought of missing me (a bit from time to time, maybe).
Then added that I don't aspire to overcome my ego anyway, but to be happy. (lol?)
Still struggling to find words for S(v).; S. in every stroke, every line, every letter. Every breath.
I met K. again in B. yesterday. How strange it is to remember that some encounters are banal for one while striking the other to the core. Wondering who thinks about me how much, (disproportion)
F. said that owning nothing has a lot to do with fear. I see that, but I also see S(v).
His idea: a list of all possessions
ifheayhsnxx estfoxxunxdax xxnotherwxxxo maxnalrexxx dady, hewolöfindxxxxejrsoxon.asw axwas xesoem asd he is,axxx.imxxx iss hixemv yyyxery much.aucht yyuallyxx,uakstillagra ifzjdat, bbvtrtg eahsin, infeilkk neez skmeoine asdf prefecasxx xcolodrzo perfexxvt asd h xxi xxm-
Daydreaming: F. and me. W., K. and F. about F. and me. S., S. and C. listening.
L. and me. L. and I don't even like each other. We fuck anyway. Everyone about L. and me.
I end the session with a bad mood and listen to a 2010 heartbreak playlist on spotify before meeting P.
Confession: Saw the trace you left on – Must have seen it right after you placed it. I go there again from time to time, hoping to find something new, a sign of life, a confession, maybe a secret love letter. Of course you will not give me that, and of course the trace wasn't meant for me in the first place. I just found it coincidentally. I like to tell myself it was meant for me anyway.
How many cigawettes did the qwueen smoke a day?
Flixbus ride was not as exhausting as expected. Tried out my new sleep mask and these funky purple silicone ear plugs. I slept three more hours at home.
Had a restless night. I woke up at 6.30 and 7.30 because of the doves entering the apartment and flying through the cabinet. Had to scare them away.
I had troubles falling asleep again because I was expecting the handyman to come at 8 for the wet ceiling.
I overheard two handy(wo)men while listening to music. The second one I even met in the hallway right before he left to go into the apartment
on the other side of the street. The handyman was Karl Lauterbach. A secretary called me to say I would have to pay a loss fee for
the missed appointment. I was very scared but
it turned out to be only 15 euros per handy(wo)man. Nontheless, I started discussing with her.
Provisional Leg Split
Quads
1. Bulgarian Split Squats, 3 sets 6-8 reps (very low weight and correct form, knee and foot focus, mind-muscle connection)
2. Glute Kickbacks, 3 sets 8 reps
3. Single Leg Extensions, 3 sets 6-8 reps (very low weight and knee focus)
4. Abductor/Adductor Machine, triset with high and low range of motion on abduction machine, 3 sets 8 reps
5. Standing Calf Machine, 3 sets 8 reps
Hamstrings
1. Hip Thrust x KAS Glute Bridge, superset, 3 sets 8 reps (correct form on machine)
2. Romanian Deadlift, 3 sets 8 reps (no knee bend)
3. Good Morning, 3 sets 8 reps
4. Abductor/Adductor Machine, triset with high and low range of motion on abduction machine, 3 sets 8 reps
5. Standing Calf Machine, 3 sets 8 reps
Glutes (Isolated)
1. Hip Thrust x KAS Glute Bridge, superset, 3 sets 8 reps (correct form on machine)
2. Romanian Deadlift x Bulgarian Split Squat, superset, 3 sets 8 reps (knee focus)
3. Glute Kickbacks, 3 sets 8 reps
4. Abductor/Adductor Machine, triset with high and low range of motion on abduction machine, 3 sets 8 reps
5. Standing Calf Machine, 3 sets 8 reps
Yesterday, F. told me that they admire the way I work. It stuck with me. Seeing that what you do is noticed by
people you barely even know; that is such an honourable feeling.
Also really enjoyed spending time with my special f. again. It has been a happy time.
Wizz moved out of my apartment to the opposite one in the patio. They didn't want anything more to do with me. There was going to be a
party I was not invited to. I talked to people who went there while we were on a train together. (Something freaky with
waterslides?)
I ended up flying around the windows to spy on Wizz. The rooms were relatively empty and had curtains, artificial light and high ceilings.
I looked at the artworks they were producing in there to find inspiration. I hid behind the walls to make sure they wouldn't notice
me, but they did anyway.
Be patient. Allow pain to come and leave. Breathe through pain. Listen to body. Things will get better soon. Health will come.
Allow yourself to try out other options; no training posture but allowing the body to undo posture
- M.
- P.
- P.
- D. M.
- W. H.
- M. H.
- F. H.
- A. R.
- K. M.
- T. H.
- C. K.
- L. J.
- C. D.
Some things can be said but they cannot be written.
D. and I went to the gym together. We logged in with our cards; there were security cams. The elevator brought us in all kinds of
scary cellars. When we left, we activated the
fire alarm for fun. We believed it wouldn't be traced back to us, but they had our card information and we could be seen on the cameras.
Lots of fire brigade and police came, it was even on Tagesschau. I told a few other people; they were shocked.
Dreamt of you (as in you, The Knower, The Know-It-All, who never existed and yet somehow did, but who never will again, no matter how often I dream you
by my side) becoming The Fucker, The Choker.
They left, but they forgot to take with them the houses they had built
Maybe not letting go - refusing to - can be a good thing after all. (Be touched, keep in your heart forever)
How little you think of how sincerely you are judged by others for real, lasting and serious flaws in your character, instead
fearing judgment in this neurotic way, as if one little email you send could incur their severest condemnation; as if you are not
really seen.
Last summer, you said We shouldn't think that people don't actually see us.
Had a visitor today
I wonder how many more nights it will take to ———
After a stressful evening, I found that That Fucker had come to The Island to visit B. He was quite reserved when he saw me, but we arranged to meet. Things seemed to be going well - then I woke up, and having realized that it was just a dream, I fell asleep again and the situation changed for the worse.
tl;dr
Stay away. Remember to stay away
D. said And whenever I feel bad about my flaws, about the mistakes I made, I remember that despite all that, my friends still like me!
That memory of teasing you when we were at L.; until you dragged me to the toilet, and I kneeled down and to [...], and then you [...]
and you [...] when I started [...], and you [...]; Afterwards, I quoted Snoop Dogg and you we laughed
Today, a guy at the gym wore a shirt that said
Fart
loading: 90%
A vague insecurity that comes up when I feel like I don't get it.
Barely slept last week. Happy to be able to find some rest again.
Dreamt of black period pads and accidently texting B. again. (Who is B.?)
The sock has moved.
In my apartment with D. yesterday, writing for ... She was sitting on the yellow oven next to the windowsill, smoking a cigarette from time to time, me in the doorframe. Pigeons, keyboard noises and this one song she showed me, all echoing through the empty apartment.
Kind of relieved when I think about how you actually did care about me at some point, even if it wasn't enough.
Stupid fucking country wouldn't let me vote today. Gotta leave this shitty, pretentious, disgustingly clean place.
The is-ness of what is
Dreamt of having five nipples.
I was in some office. There was heavy rain. There was . I was all wet.
Then I fell asleep and started dreaming lucidly. Of jumping from a cliff, becoming a mermaid underwater and getting wings when
going up again (Barbie Fairytopia reference)
I then woke up and wanted to tell my crush. I went into the office, now realizing that it was a voting cabin and that I had peeked at her
while she was voting. She was angry with me for not waiting outside. I also realized I had no dress on, just a slip.
Was this lucid now or was it meta-lucid?
Have been wearing only dresses and skirts these last days to make it easier for you. Why doesn't it work? (Why don't you just give me your cock? Why don't you just like me back?)
Have been thinking about sucking The Tambourmajor's toes for quite some time now. Etched in my mind: the image of his feet after he had taken off his wide leather barefoot shoes; big and muscular, wiry, with thick dark brown hairs all over... I bet he has perfect balance, no knee pain ever
After a week of barely sleeping, this was the first night I felt calm enough again to rest.
If Doctor Nolan asked me for the matches, I would say that I'd thought they were made of candy and had eaten them.
Barely moved over the past three weeks. First time at the gym since x. I feel that my body is weaker, has shrinked.
I sometimes miss never having put all these memories into words. I could write paragraphs about That Fucker, about how
he made me crazy for months; but it doesn't seem important anymore. I made my decisions, probably the wrong ones, I operated,
I reacted, and I must now take accountability for all of it.
The idea of regret is tempting, but that wouldn't solve a thing. I believe that some day I will be casual about it.
Qi Gong for knees.
Rope flow and knee pain.
My face got sunburnt. I forgot to reapply sunscreen after sweating a lot while working out.
Also: there were two extra teeth in my lower jaw that I tried to remove. It worked on one side. I pulled it out, it was a flat
square consisting of tooth enamel. I tried to pull out the other one as well, but I couldn't take hold of it.
Insulin and eggshells
Introducing the category of The Mouthbreather
Sleep paralysis. White Shadow Man with Glatze leaning over my bed. He is trying to kill me. (Note to self: Stop eating peanut butter chocolate chip bread right before going to bed)
Touched the Tambourmajor yesterday, but he was xxxxxx. (Almost wrote that out loud, tzha)
N. talked about creating a space for a work rather than ...
Reality as a first draft for the next novel, decisions based on what will be the better story. (Not sure if I like that or not)
- KAS Glute Bridge (20)
- Glute Kickbacks (17,5)
- Leg Press (29)
- Single Leg Extensions (5)
- Abductor (40)
- Adductor (25)
- Calves (30)
- ATG Split Squat
Decreased weight, increased sets and reps
Focus on weight gain (muscle and fat)
Cannot hide my true intentions. A. said The cwazy thing about writing is that you always show who you are deep down. It always comes through.
The stone that is set in my ring got loose and threatened to fall out.
I wonder if that shriveled man who harrassed me at The Clürb by placing his fingers in front of his mouth in a v shape and repeatedly
sticking out his tongue while looking at me would have actually ate me out if I had asked him to.
I wonder if I would have climaxed.
I wonder if he would have raped me if I hxxxxxxxxxxght.
I wonder if all that shit would have happened if I haxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxht.
I wonder why this guy wanted to eat me out but you didn't; I wonder if you lowkey thought that xxxxxxxxxs.s whatevvverrrrr
whatevverrrrrrr righhht??? tzhahaaa
Pain has moved to the back of the knee. Is this progress or regression?
Skin doctor told me to take baths in chlorine solution. When I expressed concern about my vaginal ph-value, he flipped.
Bought my first amulet today. My amulet collection will contain pictures of:
- Family
- Wawwi
- N.s (several with preferences)
- Artworks
- Idols (this opens up a whole new debate)
- Tambourmajors
- Housing Concepts
July so far: oatmeal, a broken (braked) fridge, wallpaper removal, living in between FH's "Sleepers", harsh reflections on the Tambourmajor
Trying out easy full-body-workouts to get into a routine again. Weight/rep adjustment didn't work. Need to find a doctor.
Haven't lost as much mass as I thought since x. Only 2-3 kg. This is very good.
Skin feels disconnected. Aesthetically. Maybe a concept would change that.
Boss sits cross-legged on my bed and tells me there are bedbugs on my sheets. I panic. Then she says I'm just joking around and picks up one of the thingies, saying it's only naked snails. I see that the snails do have shells, but I am more confused about why she is sitting on my bed in the first place.
Tuesday
Oppressive heat. Sun is burning my skin.
First act. Exhausting. Break. Annoying.
Second act. M. enters. I am happy. Break.
Third Act: The princess celebrates her birthday. She brought her children. Little princess looks stunning in her summerdress. Red lines of skin show on her back,
marking the sunburnt contour of a swimming suit.
Little prince is wearing uniform: Men's Dark Striped Slim Cropped Pants Business Work Formal Stretch Suit Trousers (dark blue), white
shirt, mid brown leather boat shoes and the obligatory braided leather belt. I can feel my chances of finding a patron sinking with each
day.
As soon as the sun disappears, the group gathers in the dust. I eat my Macandcheese. They start off tasting good.
I get a lot of compliments for my Macandcheese. Everyone wants to try. What they don't know: it gets worse
with every bite. I also eat a salad. Mmmhhhhh
The last act seems to go by quickly, but princess refuses to leave before 11, so we have to wait for the princess to leave.
Everyone is tired and exhausted and everyone smells really bad.
I go home and take a shower. I fall asleep quickly, but the house is so hot that I cannot rest well.
Wednesday
Amazing session before the first act. Again, I ask myself Why do I need to be here? Then I remember having spent
100 Euros for second hand clothes last week. The Revenge.
First act. Ok. Break.
Second act. Why does this take so long? Short break, I rush to Spar to get a Cola.
A cover band is going to play David Bowie songs. Seven men in their early 40s stand in a circle on stage and sing into each other's
faces. They wear jeans and patterned
t-shirts and pants. I imagine meeting the group in a dark alley at night and I get uncomfortable.
Last act. We rush, we finish fast, we don't even hug goodbye. 5 is late again. I come home, take a shower, sleep. I sleep for 9 hours.
Thursday
Gym. On time. Working on my site. Working on the site. L. asks me to cut a red carpet. We don't have proper equipment
to cut carpets, so we do it together in the backroom. It smells like fish. The security guy is eating fish filet in the backroom. I
like him because he seems to have no inhibitions, great confidence and apparently, a strong stomach.
Three hours later: Said security guy is waving at me from outside through the window. I think about the fish smell and I am disgusted. I change my mind.
I hate that guy.
Two hours later, at home: I recall the day and I take back what I said about hating the security guy. He is actually a weird and funny
character, and I am happy to have him in my life peripherally. What I do hate is fish filet, I always hated it. People should finally
stop eating dead fish.
Sitting in front of my laptop, nervously peeling off the dead skin that has lifted from the blisters on my toes. The skin-stripes are
long, several centimeters, and they are fleshy, juicy. I eat them (instead of the not-so-fleshy, not-so-juicy hummus bread I made an
hour ago. The corners are dried out already.)
Definitely thinking too much and talking too few these days. No concentrating, no contact, just heat.
I should go out tomorrow.
F. visited me today. I urgently needed to pee halfway through our meeting, but I held in for hosting reasons. Two minutes after he had
left - I waited a bit to make sure he wouldn't come back, having forgotten something - I finally gathered all my courage and headed
for the toilet. I was in a rush already, late for work (again), when suddenly, it rang five times in a row. But not five times in two
minutes, more like five times in two seconds. I startled. The phone, my phone, that I had placed on the Spülkasten, dropped into the
toilet. I looked down, but I couldn't find it, neither on the plateau, nor inside the water hole thing. I had to grab all the way
into the tube to get it. Still in shock, I cleaned my hand and rushed to the door, thinking F. was having a stroke for ringing
like an idiot. But there was no F., just an Idiot. He wanted to sell me something, but I had just seen 300 Euros drown in my toilet,
so I wasn't hyped to buy anything from him.
I closed the door, cleaned my phone and put it in a bowl with rice, texted my colleague (and Mami) on my laptop, then I went to
catch the next 5.
At work, boss told me about a worldwide technical malfunction produced by a big company. I told him about my
phone. He said Scheiße. I said Almost. He didn't get the joke. I went home and texted Bei S. hat alles gepasst
into the group chat. Boss texted back Amazing, you guys are awesome. Good night!. He also texted me privately: P.S. Happy
that your phone still works. Good night! I liked his message and simply answered Good night! instead of confessing that I was writing via
laptop, still wallowing in uncertainty about the degree of my personal technical malfunction. At first, I felt like an auto-fictionalist, like a liar,
but I checked reality and I figured: in the end, all I wanted was for him to have a good night too.
M. came into my apartment and insisted on vacuuming. We got into a small argument.
Been sleeping rather bad these past nights. Forgetting my dreams.
Have been feeling a. lately. Can feel a. in every fiber of my body. Just like back in L., when I would eat Nesquick Schokobällchen with strawberries and oat milk and a bottle of
Guarana Pomegranate for breakfast every morning. Actually, my currently not-so-nutritious breakfast could be a reason for the return of a. Sugary cereals, strawberries and a bottle of
imported Guarana Pomegranate. Maybe I should go back to... toooooo ahm
Mayyybeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Maybe I should take a break, eat, brush teeth, take a shower and go to sleep- then wake up tomorrow, follow my list, finally get this stuff done, maybe not keep myself
so alone with it, maybe find someone to help me with a Textabnahme. An interference..,+. Maybe sleep--
Ah and phone still works. yeah
Subsequent addition: inhibition - resting the nose - resting the head - allowing the neck to come back - thinking of sitting down - resting the abdominal belt - resting the pelvis - foot position - legs - constructive rest - not nodding - thinking of lifting the small toe - there is always a reason to be stressed - priming
House Manager invited me to look at another apartment when she saw me drinking Weinschorle at H. street. We walked to the apartment together. She was very friendly.
We entered the apartment through a narrow corridor in which a kitchen and a little table were placed. Some elderly people sat around and greeted us. Next to the table was a very small
bathroom with two doors, one reaching directly to the hallway.
We walked past and came into a fully packed but giant room with an estimated 10m ceiling height. The room had several plateaus. I immediately wanted to rent the apartment, but it
said 700-900 euros (700-800). I suddenly got sick and went to the bathroom, locked both doors and threw up in the toilet. I had drunken too much, I wasn&apos,t used to it anymore.
I came back and everyone was really friendly. I wanna find a way to rent the apartment anyway, maybe make it a shared studio.
Went to see a show in the catacombs yesterday. The air was very wet. There was a passage that had an estimated 150cm ceiling height. It was lined with thick blankets. I thought about the NadS house I am going to buy and about how I can make it accessible to The Tall People.
Met SSIO earlier. He told me to send greetings to my family. F. also had him on the phone in the call center once. He told me that he wrote down his number to call him again, And then I
just introduced myself, with my own name and my own body weight, he said.
Went to The Hut to see P., F. and L. today. Instantly fell into the deepest sleep in weeks. The pillow smelled like campfire.
Finding myself in the exact same spot as last year. Really? No.
-I am currently not eating porridge with fresh fruit in the morning but Nesquick Schokobällchen (Brownie Version)
-I gained 8 kg and I am currently buff
-My floor went from sticky, plasticky to dusty to grey and white to black
-I shifted my creative focus from hands to feet
-Have been seeing DF for 1,5 years. No Goodbye for now
-A two-year-plan to leave The Island has been set
-I went from X to Y to Z to X to Z to Y and again to X
But: Sitting on this heavy ass black leather couch with open windows, listening to the uniquely annoying sound of Martin's horn, making plans to go back home, thinking about you.
Again. Sick of all these goodbyes, I've had enough.
Was rifling through the hot food counter of Spar right before closing time, desperately searching for hash browns. R. approached me. I said something hurtful
to him; now he hates me and he shows it. I really have no filter.
I bent my neck when I was flexing with a few dips in front of T. earlier. Worth it, I felt pretty cool.
Lying on the wooden floor inside The Palace to get some sleep. Dozing off... Knock-knock. Knock-knock. Knock-knock. Colleague tries to enter the room. I wake up. Knock-knock. I am awake and I wanna open the door. Knock-knock. I try to lift myself up, but I cannot move my arms. Knock-knock. Cannot lift my head. My legs. But I can wiggle my toes. Knogg_knogg- I lie on the floor like this (lowest 5cm wiggly, the rest lowkey paralyzed) for about two minutes until finally, someone opens the door. No one notices me. I fall asleep again. Shizzle
Spent a lovely evening with J. yesterday. We talked about a. and about drama and about when this one trend will finally be over. He showered me in compliments. I liked hearing of someone else who spends most of their summer either working a ridiculous job or sitting in front of their computer inside a dark apartment. It really does make you a little cwazy. Getting no feedback and stuff.
Addition: It can also make you a bit sad, honestly. No feedback and no cock and so on...
Another hot morning spent on this dirty-ass wooden floor. Feels like things are coming to an end; slowly, finally.
Things have been changing. Not so much outside (where I come from, we call this Sommerloch), but inside. Might have shed my skin. Every 7 years, ... Or so.
Wizz, you've been in my head again. To be fair, you always are somehow, but these days, it's different. We met in my sleep and things were as if nothing ever happened. (Still my idea of how things went, tbh) Anyway, I hope that wherever you are right now, whatever you do, whatever you want... I just hope that you're okay.
Ah, and btw, I have a boyfriend now. If anyone asks, his full name is Mr. King Papi, but I usually just call him King. He's a good boy and the sex is amazing.
Funny dream of a woman singing an 80s pop song with a Swabian dialect. I woke up and laughed for a minute. King laughed as well.
Why c.? Why g.a.f.? Why no self a.? Knowing that I am not c., what else can I do? Not c. (c. is for crazy.) Should not give a fuck. Will not give a fuck from now on. (See this as a letter of intent)
L. has been dope as shit. Had an amazing time with King. Said Shizzle about a hundred times. In B. now, on my own for the first time in a week. Sense of reality is wasting away.
I should do some stuff in the following weeks:
- Read all the books I bought, or at least read anything
- Research these things King and I were talking about
- Lift weights if possible, otherwise at least stretch
- Work on website
- Set world record
- Work on becoming the biggest vlogging youtuber in 2024
- Talk to Suzie about the B. project
- Talk to X, Y and Z about this other "thing"
- Start reaching out to my friends when I think of them instead of thinking about them all day and not
reaching out to them anyway
I love being on The Mainland. They have vegan Fleischwurst here. I bought Ciabatta and I will put slices of this vegan Fleischwurst on it and then I will eat it.
No butter, this is raw vegan.
While I was at my cousin's party, C. called me to tell me he got some woman pregnant. Pretty random.
Has been tough writing about stuff while reflecting on the level of cringe that my traces come with. It's a decision, but that doesn't make it easy. Should maybe explore my motivations more. Or should just leave it the way it is. Let it go on the way it goes...
Also insert short poetic text about sex with King and how he told me that I am beautiful a ton of times and how that made me feel very good and sexy although I know I should not build my confidence on the opinions of men but honestly, it was just pretty nice.
CT Hübscher&T Kiswanson
Sitting in a random hotel lobby at night with puffy eyes and a pulsating head. Deutsche Bahn fucked up again, and I cried about it. I honestly don't even know why; it's been
about a hundred times by now. Maybe because I'm tired. And stressed. And pissed about having to go back in the first place. And a bit lonely because X. won't be waiting
there for me when I come.
Sitting here feels ironic somehow, like a glitch. I sat in that exact lobby not too long ago, it was just colder back then, the night was harsher. I still
remember how I sat on that sofa, texting you on instagram, hoping you would offer to call me. But you didn't, you didn't even answer, you just fell asleep. I was feeling a
bit lonely back then, knowing you were sleeping like a moaning baby while I was being robbed of my nights not only by the Deutsche Bahn Fuckers, but by you, you Fucker.
(Writing that with a blinking eye and a smile on my face, but you cannot see.)
I was about to call King just now, but I didn't. We had something like a fight earlier today. He would probably not answer anyway, and I would just sit here and wait for him
to call me back, but he wouldn't, because he is either drunk or asleep or just not in the mood to talk.
I should mention though that I was talking to Someone about the fuck-up. I know they care so much about me, and even though it cannot replace This Special Someone, there's
still Someone there to listen, any time I need them to.
Mr. Handyworker threw a naughty letter in my mailbox. Mr. Handyworker lost his job. Don't know how to feel about this. I just hope that Mr. Handyworker will stop coming to my place.
My Week at the Farm
or: My Short Trip to the Death Zone
I really don't know. Wanted to write about a horse coming into a bar and kicking everyone out, but that
wouldn't be appropriate regarding the circumstances.
It's quite a relief to be kicked out by a horse, though. Maybe they get when it's time to go.
Also this very firm handshake. He wouldn't let go, but that was okay for the moment because his wrist was really made for Molecule.
And sweet, sweet Bob. Sweet Bob and sweet Lana. And Suzie's feeling sweet about it.
And your Dad's Facebook profile. I can still reconstruct his smell precisely.
Also a long train ride with 9 closed toilets and a poorly digested vegan Orzo Salad I am currently fighting not to release out of my mouth while writing this with my back to the engine. All things come back to you one way or another.
Little white eggs under my skin on the inside of my upper thighs. They grow into noodle-sized worms overnight.
You could have been literally anywhere in this whole world. Why the fuck did you need to be here?
Looking at it from the positive side: I freezed out over the summer. Cold shoulders.
And my hair... My hair has gotten so long that I can now throw it around dramatically
while cold-shouldering you.
Not that I'm not sad about it.
D. and I talked about that gap. That gap between how you want to behave in order to be a good person and how you need to behave in order to protect yourself. And how there are moments in which you just cannot close that gap. And how this makes you feel like shit, no matter how you decide. But yeah
Did not care about writing down my thoughts recently. I made a lot of lists though. (List of thoughts that went through my head:)
List of lists:
- Daily to do list
- Weekly to do list
- Monthly focus list
- Happy list
- Material list
- Leg routine list
- Upper body routine list
- Course list
- XXX list
- List with things to take care of
- List of things I am going to put in the envelope
- List of things I am going to miss
- List of You's (because I am going to miss you)
- (Stranger's) List with reasons to feel lost on This Island
- List of reasons to leave
- List of bodily secretions (ranked)
- List of things I ate in a day
- List of people I had intimate encounters with
- List of encounters (realized that this is revealing on a level I never thought about)
- List of circumstances in which to use the present progressive
- List of people to let go
This urge...
Beauty in privacy (?)
you are moving too fast you are moving too fast you are...
you are moving too fast you are moving too fast you are...
you are moving too fast you are moving too fast you are...