--Index--
L.X.
(In the following: An old letter about being in l. but not really anymore, about h. and how (not) to find it,
about being s. for everything. Never sent it.)
Five of Swords reversed; today was a good day.
Reduce money troubles:
- Save money when x
- Save money when x
- Buy no x in february
- Installment plan
- State money
s. a. - s. c. - s. c. - s. n.
intra-p. dimension - inter-p. dimension
Wisdom teeth removal pt. 1
Blocked. M. said I should do something else.
Room views. Accumulations.
Stain removal
- Stain eraser
- Repaint
- Fixate
- Dishwashing detergent
- Latex paint
[...] A matter of habit. xx [...]
(Would have the chance to get served a nice yogurt sauce.) (But I am disgusted.) (No no no no no.) (Gotta say No.)ew just realized that ... There is a memory related to yogurt sauce. With chopped herbs and lemon juice. But it is made by dirty fingers. No no no no no non o no!!!
Wisdom teeth removal pt. 2
back
Woke up today in my spare bed in A. Went outside the front door, sat down and attempted to meditate. The air here is so fresh that
breathing is actually fun. Over the past weeks, the heat forced me inside, but now nature is endurable
again and I am currently enjoying going outside, especially in the morning and late at night.
A. and I talked about pseudonyms and diaries. Ever since [...], I find it hard to write. Not that I don't know what to
write about - it rather feels like a performative act. The thought that someone might read what I wrote is inhibiting me from being
honest. [...]
The time in A. does me good. I am badly exhausted and frankly, I am afraid of returning to The Island. Yet still there is so much to do, to
sort out, [...]
I am tired. Haven't been sleeping well lately. Uncertainty is keeping me awake.
I am afraid of returning x. What if I get lonely? What if I cannot find balance? What if I cannot make good a.?
So many things to look forward to, yet still I feel overwhelmed by the thought of going through all of it alone.
XXxxxxxGo read everything about me; if you don't trust me, you might as well
just find out anyway.
On my way back to The Island. Took a train that drove me past X one last time. It felt weirdly exciting, I wasn't
lonely, not one bit - it felt like I belonged here after all. (Didn't last long though)
I am annoyed of driving for so long. My head is aching, I am feeling a little sick. I wish to be lying in my bed already, I could use
a good sleep. So much to think about, so much to do in the next few days. I am a. ...
I read XXX. Left me devastated. Xxxxx conflict between x and y. I am also a. o. thinking
of z and z(z) too much. I f. that things will x if I do so. I don't know if I could x.
[...]Thinking of all the people that have left this place, wishing they had stayed; wishing I had spent more time with them.
I am a. that this will have been my best time.
...
Finally c.!
And I realized something important: no matter how bad things might get in life, I will never have to deal with the shame of being
a bike cop.
Last two days were easier, structured.
For lunch, I sat down with M.
T S was also nice. Was great talking to V. They are so nice and smart and interesting. (I should talk to
people more)
A dream of P. and me escaping. M. appeared too in a way. She tried to help me, she was worried, and I was thankful that she appeared.
Annoyed. Gotta find a solution for x as soon as possible.
In my dream, M. had dementia. She was helpless.
[...]
...I really want to learn how to connect; why do I make it so complicated for myself?
What if we could choose our wounds? What form would we assume?
Unrequited l.; no disgust, no anger, only disillusionment and lots, lots of pure and sincere l.
Lots of disgust
Last days have been busy. No time to think, no time to sort things out.
L. is visiting me. I am happy to have him here, but I am afraid I cannot show enough appreciation. Anyway, I am glad that we
are friends. He is incredibly important to me.
I saw YN's shed today. Went to the bathroom to cwy while people were pissing
right next to me.
So many people who feel the same things, have
the same approach to life (art) and come to the same conclusions. It might seem like we're alone, but isn't that something that
connects us in the end?
No routine; no time
Great kiss. X (yes), but I wouldn't know how.
In my apartment. The roof was leaking. It was raining from the ceiling.
Not feeling a. tonight.
... Anyhow; I cannot reenact where my time is going, it must be running away from me.
M. said not to compare with art but with reality (M., it has been eight months now and I still don't know what the hell you were trying to say)
<33clowing (editor's note: sich die Kasperlhaube aufsetzen)
Archive everything, everyone. Every thought locked in a couple of letters never to be forgotten.
Archive every single name, but who is stuck to my head, who is stuck who is 1 who is 1
I finally burned down my place. I was the last one to see the mess before all of it was gone.
Considering whether to miss or to stop thinking.
Have been trying to reach Someone all day. I want to hear his voice, want to know how his day was, want to feel special when
he tells me things he doesn't tell anybody else. If only he knew what I would do to please him. I am like wax in his hands,
and I want him to form me with his hands, touch me the way he likes it, so that he likes me, so that [...] (archival note: yo)
Midnight: He told me a secret (his biggest, apparently). I was happy to be the one he tried to reach; he told me I should be the first one to know and that he doesn't quite know whom else to tell anyway.
I was happy about that, I felt special, but it was not long before I was overcome with jealousy for his secret was not about me.
You say you feel sorry for not giving me what I want. I feel like I'm wasting my time by waiting for you.
Someone has crossed my mind again all day. I wonder if I will ever stop thinking about Someone. Maybe I will read these lines in a
few months and wonder how I could ever X.
Or maybe Someone will become the projection of everything that could have been, everything that could have made me happy if I
would have been luckier. (Prettier, better, worth it) (archival note: yoooooo)
I don't even think about Someone so much anymore. But whenever I do hear his voice, I remember that I would do anything for him
if he asked me to.